Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

My Goodbye

This will be the last post on this blog.  For anyone who reads this, thank you for sticking around.  Visit the new blog I'll be writing for!  I haven't posted anything yet, but I will try to get something up very soon.

And for my final number, I would like to present: THE THIRD ANNUAL HOUSEWARMING PARTY!!!  Come!  Bring beer!  I'm serious, BRING BEER.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye...

My Second to Last Post

This blog is finally dying.  I'm taking over another blog, though I expect it'll be more of the same nonsense.  I shall let you know more when it's all set up.

But before I leave you, let me list off a few rants and notices:

• Con Ed can suck it.  It's a monopoly and therefore illegal.  If they fail to provide power to Queens, where the hell are we supposed to get it?  I almost set up a Gilligan rig with my exercise bike.
• The MTA can also suck it.  Why the fuck does it take so long to get back to Queens after drinking in Manhattan?  Please take me home before I puke on the third rail.
• How do you replace IDs without other IDs?
• I'm old and cranky.  Now get off my fucking lawn, you whippersnappers.
• Third Annual Housewarming Party on the horizon.  Any donations from those who have loved our past parties is very welcome.

My Revelation

"Dumb twat" rhymes with "kumquat".

My Bald Hairy Hero

Andre Agassi lost to Rafael Nadal at the last Wimbledon he will ever play at.  Talk about a passing of the torch.  Nadal was 1 year old when Agassi made his Wimbledon debut.  Agassi friggin' dominated for a while there, a lot like his wife did on teh women's side.  His hairstyles (and non-hairstyles) will be missed.  But it's gonna be fun seeing Nadal slowly break Federer's spirit.  Can't wait to see both those guys go bald too.

I'm sure Brooke Shields felt proud to be ex-Mrs. Agassi, which hopefully pissed off Tom Cruise.

Now let's hear a cheer for my girl Michelle Wie to beat all the old hags tomorrow in the US Open.

My New Diet

I dunno if it works but it's kept me from eating today.

First spend all your money on stuff you can't afford, like computer repairs and grad school.  Then eat everything good in your pantry except the giant bag of rice and ramen.  Then choose not to eat rather than eat fucking rice and ramen again.

Ta da!

My Hero

I need cheering.  And few people on this planet can make me laugh like the great catcher in the wry, Bob Uecker.  (Can we PLEASE bring back Mr. Belvedere?!?)  Here's some awesome quotes from the Hall of Fame announcer:

• "In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the Bigs."
• "People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."
• "A doctor told me to drink lemon juice after a hot bath. But I have never finished the bath." 
• "I had slumps that lasted into the winter."
• "I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don't even get printed."
• "Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets."
• "I remember one time I'm batting against the Dodgers in Milwaukee. They lead, 2 - 1, it's the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two out and the pitcher has a full count on me. I look over to the Dodger dugout and they're all in street clothes."
• "When I looked at the third base coach, he turned his back on me."
• "Sporting goods companies pay me not to endorse their products."
• "I didn't get a lot of awards as a player. But they did have a Bob Uecker Day Off for me once in Philly."
• "One time, I got pulled over at 4 a.m. I was fined $75 for being intoxicated and $400 for being with the Phillies."
• "I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up."
• "The biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game. He really showed me something. Struck out three times. Made an error that lost the game. Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off. Gosh, I was proud."
• "Sure, women sportswriters look when they're in the clubhouse. Read their stories. How else do you explain a capital letter in the middle of a word?"
• "I led the league in 'Go get 'em next time.'"
• "I knew when my career was over. In 1965 my baseball card came out with no picture."
• "Baseball hasn't forgotten me. I go to a lot of Old-Timers games and I haven't lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times."

My Revelation

As I watch Dastardly & Muttley at 5 AM in an attempt to fall asleep, I have to say something that is so obvious that I don't think it's ever been stated this way: Muttley's a DICK!

My Jwah duh Veever

I am so friggin bored right now.  I can't handle it.  Anyone need anything knitted or crocheted?

My Brief Quips

I keep seeing those commercials for what looks to be a horrific remake of The Omen, and I realized that if Damien was my kid, I'd be real pissed about the amount we'd have to spend on baboon traps and replacing nannies.  I love that the amount of imagination it took to cast Pete Postlethwaite as a creepy priest took about the same amount of imagination it took to cast Tony Danza as an Italian guy from New York named Tony.

If they really want to scare people, they should remake Battlefield Earth.

My Eminent Domain

The Supreme Court is wasting it's time and I really feel bad that these folks had to work so hard to get where they are and have to waste time dealing with silly issues instead of ignoring the undermining of our nation's freedom, which is supposed to be their job.  (Aren't you just dying to party with these freaks? ---->)

First they had to deal with that silly Anna Nicole case, which is bullshit.  Their decision should have been simple: we give the dead horny old man's money to education and you all can go get fucking jobs like normal people. 

So now, there's a town in Long Island called North Hills, home to one of the nicest golf courses on the planet, Deepdale Country Club.  The mayor of the town wants to use eminent domain, the law that lets the government seize land in exchange for money for necessary things like schools and hospitals and fire stations, to take away that golf course.  His purpose is to make the club "public" for fee-paying members of the town. 

Now the funniest part of this is that not only are the members of the club some of the richest melonfarmers (my new euphemism for motherfuckers) in the country (Tiki Barber, most notably), but the per capita income of that fucking town is over $100K.  One article brilliantly described this conflict as "the really rich versus the ridiculously rich".  So what we're arguing about here is that rich elitist fuckers have to give up their respite from poor people so that other rich elitist fuckers can get away from poor people too.  Is this what laws were created for?  Can we not ask them to fight a Battle Royale to the death?  Then the last man standing gets to do whatever the fuck he wants with that land, but only after he's eliminted the other selfish rich melonfarmers.

Here's my personal solution: Yes, use eminent domain to seize the land.  Then build on it the largest community housing project on the planet.

This reminds me of a Mets promotion I saw on TV: Jeep Owners' Appreciation Day, where folks who show up at the stadium in a Jeep get a free gift.  They might as well build the new stadium in Greenwich fucking Connecticut.  It's a QUEENS TEAM, and I don't think Jeep and the Mets realize that if we were driving Jeeps to the stadium, we'd probably be Yankee fans. 

This is also the logic behind Bush's retarded tax cuts: give the privileged privileges.  I do have one question along these lines: if Social Security is privatized, and we are in fact investing our Social Security in stocks and racehorses, shouldn't every person in the nation get monster tax breaks?  I want to put my retirement money in Enron and Global Crossing.  What??  They went belly under?  Then put it all on Barbaro to win!!!

My Memorial

I like to refer to memorial day as "War Movie Day".  And usually, I get all into The Great Escape and Stalag 17 and Saving Private Ryan but today, that serious stuff seems a bit much.  I have settled for Red Dawn, less heavy because it is not based on a real war, but also because it has El Swayz, though he does not have a dance number.

Sadly, I do not own a copy of a movie that best honors all the men and women who have fought and died for this great nation of ours: In The Army Now, starring Pauly Shore, Lori Petty, Andy Dick, David Alan Grier, and a sexy sexy Lynn Whitfield as the ballbusting drill sergeant.  Rent it.  Watch it.  Laugh twice, maybe.  Sing along to John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt.  Remember that people died to defend the right to make Pauly Shore movies.  And be proud to be an American.

My Nerd Pride

Is it wrong during finals to use movies like Real Genius and Revenge of the Nerds to motivate myself into being the best damn nerd I can be?  If it is, I don't wanna be right.

NERD PRIDE!!!

• How many perfect attendance awards have you won?
• Can you do your taxes in binary?  (Nate, I'm not mocking you...)
• How many ways can you say "Today is a good day to die" in Klingon?
• Have you ever been in a polka band called the Loga-rhythms?
• How many jokes about the "right hand rule" can you make without making a single masturbation reference?

If your answer is none or no for all of these, you really need to get on your nerdiness.  Our future and our children's future depends on it. 
NERD PRIDE!!!

My Distaste

I've now read four reviews of the new Facts of Life Season 1 & 2 DVD and not one of them (including the random one that appeared in Sports Illustrated) mentioned that Molly Ringwald was a character in the first season.  What the fuck?!?

Makes me want to spread rumors that Mrs. Garret is an alcoholic... 

(I forgot there was a dude on the show before Clooney...  Remember this creepy pedophile guy?  If Mrs. Garret never stopped working for the Drummonds, we would never have had to suffer through Ocean's 12.)

My Bunkmate

It had been said by my friend Melanaise that after the ghost of the great Babe Ruth was exorcised from Fenway Park, he took up residence in my bed. Since I’m an unforgiving Yankee hater, I figured it could very well be true. But this theory has been proven to be incorrect.

The Babe is haunting Barry Bonds. For those who don’t know, in short, the juicing Barry is totally unable to hit the home run that would tie him with the Babe for all time home runs. Meanwhile, he makes his team suck quite hard since he’s otherwise completely useless. Babe, do do that voo doo that you do so well.

Then who is haunting my bed? Could it be the ghost of late Yankee Manager Billy Martin, who couldn’t get laid under the Queensboro Bridge with a hundred dollar bill hanging out of his fly? Could it be the ghost of pussy past reminding me that being a man doesn’t always end well? Especially if it involves getting “tested” afterwards?  I suspect it’s that unmistakable stench of desperation that has soaked into the mattress.

So here's my point: does anyone know of any hotties who dig, how you say, "Korean barbecue"?

My Lady from Shanghai

From The Lady from Shanghai:

Rita: The Chinese say "It is difficult for love to last long. Therefore, one who loves passionately is cured of love, in the end."
Orson: That's a hard way of thinking.
Rita: There's more to the proverb.  "Human nature is eternal. Therefore, one who follows his nature keeps his original nature, in the end."

Fucking mind blowing...  So for those who love passionately, there is no cure but death.

Best of luck.

My Michelle

Check out golfer Michelle Wie.  Hot, eh?

Now look at her looking hotter.

So what's wrong with me that I find this last one the hottest?

Too bad she's so damn young she just might be the daughter I had to give up in high school.

My Hold on Hope

I think I can still see the silver lining. 

This photo makes the city look just slightly less dirty.  Mostly because there are no people in the shot.

My Me Mine

My roommate Brian and I were discussing the pros and cons of having Ted clones.  I thought with my current workload, two would be preferable.  And then we realized that the idea is possibly one of the most annoying concepts ever thought up.  Can you imagine? 

• The beer bill would go through the roof, and we would drink a whole lot more since we wouldn't ever be drinking alone. 
• Instead of one asshole singing showtunes all day in the apartment, there'd be three assholes singing trios. 
• Could you imagine three Teds at a Mets game?  We'd get banned for life, even though we're three of the few humans with the same cranius enormous condition that Mr. Met has.
• Three of my asses could fill the grand canyon.
• Three times the man periods.
• There'd be three times as many guys in our apartment not getting laid.
• My clones would play grabass all day long, thereby not getting any of the work done for which they were spawned.

There are some positives...

• Rotating shifts.  I'd finally get sleep.
• I would no longer have to take yoga to learn to self-fellate.
• I could play wiffle ball with myself, but why would I do that when I can blow myself?

Probably not worth it.

My Pillar

Do I look like a reliable person to you?  Do you seriously think you can come to me with serious issues and expect me to offer you rational and sound advice?  Do I look like a person who can tell you what went wrong with your relationships when mine all vaporize?  In fact, do you think I want to hear any of your relationship shit?  Do I look like I'm good at math?  Do I seem emotionally stable enough to be logical?  Do you think I actually want to pick up your slack, you lazy fuck?  Do I look like a leader to you?  And lastly, do you seriously believe that I have any words of value to offer about your life?

It seems the answer to all those questions is yes.  My reliabilty is a big liability.  I'm a sucker that way.  Now get off my ass.  Go lean on somebody else this week.

And I'll get back to you the following week when I get all needy again.  Yes indeedy, feed the needy.

My Unconditional Love

I've been spending a lot of time with dogs lately and all it seems to do is remind me that people are dicks.  Why can't people be nice like dogs?  I don't mean the face licking and crotch sniffing, though ladies are invited to do so.  I mean the trust.  The needing and giving.  The simplicity of life and love.

But mostly I'd love to just scratch a lady's tummy and have her moan and turn over on her back with her legs splayed and 6 nipples staring at me.  Only once got an invitation like that, except that she had a third of the nipples and a lot more fur...